Monday, March 7, 2011

What is this?

I feel compelled to write on here while sitting in a Starbucks in Atlanta. I should be working on a press release but I feel crippled by a feeling of insecurity. It's my fourth week at the new job and I've felt the feeling festering inside for the majority of the time. There were brief periods of relief when I was too busy to think, but those moments were far and few between. What is this feeling? I know it has been planted there and for some reason I'm not calling upon the strength I know is there to push it away.

I've done this job for a year and a half and have been successful. At least I thought that was success. Media placements. Increased Twitter and Facebook following. Online engagement. And the ultimate dictator of success - priase from my superiors at work. But all of that dissolved when I stepped into an entirely new arena. Agency work is so different and I'm surrounded by people whose minds seem to be steps ahead of mine all the time. I find myself overthinking things so that I can be the one to remark on seemingly obvious observations. I've found some of my words and actions are forced in hopes that I please those around me. I feel like any moment someone from the agency is going to walk over and tell me they know I'm a phony and that I should just pack up and leave.

But why? Why am I feeling this way? I know I'm capable of doing well in my job. I know who I am. I know my abilities and I know my weaknesses. I've always prided myself in my confidence - not arrogance - just a comfort in knowing who I am. I thank my parents for instilling that in me. But now, where is that confidence? It's been buried deep under layer upon layer of self doubt. And I'm trying to break through and gasp for air but I just can't.

I'm here for a reason. God put me here to grow and learn. My co-workers know my background. They know the experience I've had and where I lack it and still hired me. So why can't I shake the gnawing feeling in my heart?

Photo via here.

1 comment:

Summer said...

You've got all the answers right in this post! You know who you are, your strengths, and though you didn't sy it here, I know you're aware of your ability to adapt and successfully pick up on new things and situations ... New jobs are always tricky and take you out of your comfort zone. Just remember that you KNOW who you are (which is rare!) and you'll get back to feeling that way in the new position soon enough! Hang in there!