Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My List of The Worst Things About Pregnancy

Advance warning: this blog post is probably TMI, since most of the stuff women go through in pregnancy is inherently TMI. I've found myself saying things out loud in front of moms I don't know all that well that I never thought would come out of my mouth. But when your lady parts feel like they are going to fall off, who else can you share it with, but those who have experienced the same thing?

1. Anytime I sit down, my belly touches my upper thighs, sometimes prompting me to reach down and lift if up so that I don't feel like this guy:

I also feel like that guy when I put on a t-shirt that used to hang down to my knees but now fits me like a midriff top. The 1990's called and they want their fashion back - without the belly.

2. Around seven months into the pregnancy, I noticed (and so did Joa) that an audible groan would slip through my lips every morning when I got out of bed. Then it started happening pretty much anytime I moved at all. The cause? I feel like my pelvis/pubic area could break in half at any time. Getting into bed and switching positions in the middle of the night is the worst. It's like a 12-point turn for me to switch from my left shoulder to my right shoulder at night. And in the mornings, after I've been somewhat immobile for eight+ hours, fugghedaboutit. I don't even try to stifle the groans anymore - I let it all out as I swing my legs over the bed and hope I don't hear a loud crack coming from my nether regions.

3. There's just no way of getting around this next one - so I'm just going to say it. While others have problems with the inability to go number two during pregnancy, I have the opposite problem: I go at least four times a day. There's no stopping it. Joa will often say, "Didn't you just poop?" My response: "The baby told me to do it." The worst is when it happens at work. While my nausea hasn't been around since about week 19, it will rear its head anytime I use a public restroom. And if you recall, my nausea was a bunch of dry heaving. Not the best combo for unfortunate bathroom trips at work. TMI, I know, I know.

4. My belly button is now flush with my protruding belly. I can't imagine this bodes well for how it will look after the belly is gone. And that belly button ring I thought was oh so cool in college? Well, the scar was unsightly before I got pregnant, now it is a huge gray mark over my belly button, taunting my 19-year-old self for insisting that it's what I wanted for my 19th birthday.

5. My last worst thing about pregnancy is something that I know can't be avoided and is for the most part, for the benefit of the baby, but for someone who has struggled with weight their whole lives, packing on 25 lbs is not an easy pill to swallow. I expressed quite openly to all of my friends before getting pregnant that one of my biggest fears about being pregnant was that I was going to end up looking like a Mexican Oompa Loompa - as wide as I was tall. And while it hasn't been quite that extreme, I will say that I cringe when I look at the scale. And yes, I do torture myself by weighing myself every morning. I've done it for years, there is no stopping me. On the plus side, while I feared that I would gain 80+ pounds, I've maintained some semblance of self control (kind of, sort of) and didn't spiral. My doctor even said she was very happy with my weight gain - score!

I'll gladly experience these things plus more (OK, maybe not more), for my sweet girl! Just three weeks or so to go!

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