Werk

I meant to write this post last weekend, but didn't get around to it. If there's one thing that going back to work has taught me, it's that every second of my weekend is so precious!

Speaking of going back to work, I did. Duh. My mama was here for the first week and a half which was so unbelievable helpful for my emotional transition. She is an amazing mama. Leaving Sofia was hard that first morning. I cried and just held her so close to me until I absolutely had to leave. But still, while I was at work, I felt at peace knowing that my mom was taking care of her. The first day back was essentially an adrenaline rush. Actually, the first few days were like that. By Friday though, I was pooped. Going back for just three days my first week was a good idea. I highly encourage new moms to do that. I also heard, but did not apply to my first few weeks, that if you do go back on a Monday, taking Wednesday off breaks up your first week into two, two day mini weeks rather than a whole five-day week.

My first few days were spent just checking email and catching up with co-workers. That was pretty much all my brain could handle. The following week I did some actual work, but wasn't 100% by any means. Honestly, I wish that I hadn't scheduled any important meetings that first week because I hardly remember what was said in any of them. And two of them were pretty important. I have probably asked the same question a million times. And I had to have another project explained to me three times. On top of that, it is taking me so much longer to do things that I could do without a second thought before. Write a press release? How can I do that if I don't remember how to spell "the." And I'm not one that likes to ask for help. Part of it is pride (so bad, I know) and the other part is embarrassment. I don't want to seem like I don't know what I'm doing. But I'm jumping ahead of myself and my thoughts.

Sweet welcome back flowers from my mentor.

Back to my mom being here, it was so wonderful that she would send me photos and videos of Sofia throughout the day. That really helped me feel settled as well. And it also helped that pumping was going really smoothly for me. I'm so thankful to not have supply issues, as of now. So, all in all, that first week and a half was good.

Then came last week. Sofia's first week at day care and the first of my full-on, "Am I going to be stupid forever" moments at work. Joa and I dropped Sofi off at day care together on that first Monday. I cried so hard. I mean I was sobbing in the parking lot after we left. It was a mess. And my eyelashes didn't recuperate, unfortunately. I should have waited to put on mascara after we left her. Why am I writing about my eyelashes and mascara, you ask? Because it was a thought that went through my head. I was sad, but that doesn't mean I can't think about my eyelashes.

Once I got to work, I felt OK. I called the day care a couple of times to check on her and they said she was doing wonderfully. Would they really tell me otherwise? I don't know, but I chose to believe what they said. I could hardly wait to leave work at 5 to go get her. I didn't even mind the traffic that day. But then came Tuesday and Wednesday and that traffic I did mind. 35 and 635 are SO NO BUENO. I just get really antsy. And I have this thing with my left knee. If you know me well, you know I don't like anything to touch my knees, particularly my left knee. Well, it used to be so bad that I'd have to lift my pant leg so that not even the fabric was touching it. But that seemed to have dissipated when my drive got shorter and I wasn't in traffic. Now it's back!!!! It's triggered by traffic! What a bummer.

So me and my knee are spending about an hour and a half on the road. It isn't too bad right now, because seeing Sofia light up when I get to her classroom pretty much wipes away any negative feelings, but this isn't sustainable. I'm not sure what we'll do.

And about those "will I be stupid forever?" moments. I know I won't be. I know baby brain is real. And that I have to give myself a pass, but it is hard. Especially when I work at an agency where my billable hours make them money. Does this mean I want to be a stay-at-home mom? No (well maybe), not right now. No, for realla, not right now. I do enjoy my work and we wouldn't be able to sustain our lifestyle if I stopped working. It's just that being a working mom can be rough. And that's the truf.

Gratuitous Sofi photo