Dear Sofia (3 months)

Dear Sofia,

There isn't much that can beat your smile these days. And you offer them so generously to me. My favorite smiles are the ones that come soon after you've woken up from your nap and I walk into your room to see you laying in your crib sucking your thumb and playing with your hair. You let go of your thumb, turn up your face at me and my heart fills with joy I've never felt as you smile at me.

Sweet Sofi smiles

You are so much stronger than you were even just a few weeks ago! Tummy time no longer consists of your face going back and forth in the mat. The minute you get your head up you are looking around the room and drinking in everything around you - just like you have from the minute you were born.

Tummy time - excellent!

You love music. For the first time in my life, it doesn't matter that when I sing I'm completely off key - you love my rendition of "Hakuna Matata" no matter what I sound like!

And you are talking so much! Our best conversations are in the kitchen while I'm making dinner. I perch you on the table in your bouncy chair (strapped in, of course) and we talk about the day we've had, what your papi is up to at work, adventures you'll go on and what your pajarito friends, Azul and Rosita are doing. I love how determined you are to say what's on your mind. Your little mouth makes the cutest shape as you communicate with me. I can watch the videos I have of you talking over and over again and never tire of seeing your brain at work.

You also love bath time. You are so serene and calm in the water and stare so intently at my face while I talk to you about washing your arms and tummy and little toes. It is one of my favorite times that we spend together.

Being your mama is so much more amazing than I could ever have imagined. These 12 weeks home with you have filled my heart with a love I hadn't experienced before. I thank God every single day for giving me the opportunity to be your mama.

I will be heading back to work next week and our time together won't be as plentiful. This pains my heart to the point that I've had to fight back moments of anxiety recently and have shed quite a few tears, but for now, God is telling me that it is what He wants me to do, so I will follow His plan until He directs me otherwise. While I won't be with you for the majority of the day, I will definitely be thinking of you. I will be there to pick you up every single day and promise to be present during the time we do have together. I promise to be intentional with the time I have with you and to make the most of it. I love you so much and can't wait to continue to watch you grow.

Love,
Your mama

Sick

Poor Sofi is not feeling well. I want my healthy, smiley, happy baby back!

Aware

I am so incredibly aware of how much Sofi has grown in the past seven weeks. When I reach down to grab her from her crib, there's a bit more strength that goes into lifting her small 12 pound body. I look back at photos from just a few weeks ago and my baby has moved from newborn to infant in an instant. I've even had to put some clothes away because they will never ever fit her again. Ever.

I stood in her closet staring at the tiny red dress she wore for Christmas realizing that I wouldn't be putting it on her again and I cried. Some nights even though I am exhausted after nursing her, I will sit in the glider and just hold her and soak in the moments that will never be again.

one day old

seven weeks old

Sofi's Birth Story Part 2

Let me just say that the only reason that this birth story is in parts is that I have ADD. I couldn't sit for long enough the last time to write out the whole thing. I think this may be the last part, but if my ADD kicks in, there may be a part three (EDIT: I've come back to this post three times and have yet to get through it!).

So, after making the decision that I was going to have a C-Section, obviously, I questioned it a million times. Over that weekend, Joa and I talked about it until we were both blue in the face, even though I knew in my heart it was the right thing. My mom got into town that weekend, which was wonderful to have both moms with us. I had one more doctor's appointment on that Tuesday, which was still a bit emotional, but reaffirming that my decision was the right one.

On Tuesday night we had a delicious, gluttonous dinner of burgers, fries and milkshakes at Hopdoddy in Preston Center (I highly recommend)! At home we took tons of photos with the belly and then went to bed. I slept so well - I really felt so at peace with what was going to go down the next day. The alarm went off at 4 a.m. on Wednesday, December 19, so that we could be at the hospital by 5:30. Joaquin and I were in one car while the other moms were in the other one. On our way to the hospital Joa and I talked about how these were the last moments as just the two of us and how craaaaaazy that was. We were going from family of two to family of three in a matter of hours.

One of the last shots of the belly.

Once we checked into the Labor and Delivery floor, things went pretty quickly! They asked me to change and I failed to understand that changing was the beginning of the whole process. I walked out in the ugly hospital gown with my Toms on and the woman asked me to take them off. I said, "Well, I don't want to walk on the floor without any shoes." She smiled knowingly and said, "You won't be walking anywhere for quite a while. You'll go to the operating room from here in a bit." Oh, DUH. The nurse strapped on a monitor for Sofi (she was going crazy! The nurse kept laughing at how much she was moving), I got my IV put in, some blood taken and then our funny anesthesiologist came into the room. He was one of those guys who is obviously super smart but has some interesting social skills. As the medication started kicking in, I kept poking myself in the areas that were getting numb. At one point, I was poking my belly pretty hard and Joa had to stop me because I didn't realize what I was doing.

Unfortunately, I had an adverse reaction to the epidural and right as they started wheeling me to the operating room, I started to throw up and dry heaving and it continued for a bit in the operating room. The anesthesiologist played with my meds, trying to make the nausea go away at which point the shakes kicked in. Joa came in at that point and sat by me trying to keep me calm. Our anesthesiologist tech was a-ma-zing Through the entire process, he told me what was going on, told me what a great job I was doing and was just overall a really calming person to have in the room. I am very grateful that he was there. All I could focus on was how badly I was shaking for the most part, until, the moment that I heard Sofia cry. Oh that moment, it will forever remain in my heart. I started crying and telling Joa, "She's here! That's our daughter!" It was so surreal. I couldn't believe that the baby I carried around in my belly for 40 weeks was out in the world. The doctor brought her over so I could see - she was crying and full of blood and all that white stuff that babies come out into the world in. Joa had the camera with him and I urged him to go over to where they were cleaning her off and take photos. And so, our sweet Sofía Isabel was born on 12/19/12, weighing 8 lbs 13 oz (nowhere near 11 lbs!), and measuring 21 inches in length. She had a full head of hair and the doctor and Joa said she came out with her eyes wide open, which isn't hard to believe because she continues to keep those eyes wide open and take in everything around her.

The first time I saw my daughter!

Our first family photo

Skin to skin! Oh, those sweet moments.

We stayed in the hospital for three nights - three very long nights. Sofi lost a little more than 10 percent of her birth weight while we were in the hospital because my milk was stubborn and wouldn't come in. We had to have a very emotional talk with the pediatrician about giving her formula since she wasn't getting what she needed from me. This was another instance that I had to relinquish all control and give it to God because I was not planning on giving Sofía a bottle with formula in it until many months down the road. Of course, the bottom line was that my baby needed nutrition and I wasn't going to deny her that because it wasn't in my plan. So, though I continued to breast feed, I supplemented with a few ounces of formula until my milk came in (on the sixth day, mind you). If you think your boobs get big while you are pregnant, wait until those suckers fill up with milk. I was walking around with two basketballs on my chest that were hard as rocks. Oh the things nobody tells you about your post-partem body!

Headed home!

Though my body was wonkified, I can't express how wonderful it was to be in my own home. It made such a huge difference to be in my own bed and not having a nurse come in every two hours to poke and prod me. As long as all is well for the next baby, I will be requesting to go home ASAP!

I'm seven weeks old. Snap.

I can't believe it has already been seven weeks since that day. All those cliches about how children grow up in the blink of an eye and how times goes by so quickly - they are heartbreakingly true. And surprisingly, even though I spent 18 weeks nauseated, I miss being pregnant! Maybe it is the hormones, but I'm ready for baby number two! That story to come later - much, much later.

Sofi's Birth Story Part 1

39 Weeks and 6 Days

I realize most people don't really want to know the details of the birth of my daughter. I understand. I usually skip blog birth story blog posts that come up in my Google Reader feed. But of course, as I am learning is normal, once you become a mother, things change. Really, I'm doing this so that I can always have it in a place that I can look back to and read and that Sofi can read, as well. For those of you that don't mind the details, you are welcome to enjoy.

Sofia's birth was set in motion on Wednesday, December 12. That night I felt some weird sensations in my stomach, like my whole tummy was vibrating. And the weird thing is, only I could feel it. Joa's mom had come in that night and I asked her to put her hand on my tummy when it was happening and she couldn't feel anything. Luckily, my weekly doctor's appointment was the next day. When I mentioned it to my doctor, she wanted a sonogram just to make sure everything was OK. Side note: Joa and his mom surprised me at the doctor's office. I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to go in and I look up and see them - what a wonderful surprise!

As is routine, the sonogram tech checked Sofia's estimated weight. The look on her face and surprise in her voice when she said, "Ummm...the baby is currently weighing 9 lbs 10 ounces," was enough to send my mind into a tailspin of worry. Thank goodness Joa had decided to come to the appointment - I really needed him there for support, especially when a second look had her weight put her at 9 lbs 14 ounces, and that was with a 1.6 lb plus or minus margin of error. So, potentially, I could be having an 11 pound baby. My doctor shared the sentiment as expressed with a "Whoa," after she looked at the sonogram notes. Just three weeks before during my last sonogram, Sofi was weighing 6 lbs, meaning she had gained over a pound a week.

Despite not wanting to think of giving birth to an 11 lb baby, I started talking to my doctor about the possibility of being induced before the baby got any bigger. I also expressed to her that I was torn between being induced and waiting for God's plan to take its course. My doctor was leaning toward induction, based on Sofia's size, but then threw me for a loop when she asked if I had thought about a C-Section. I answered with a resounding, "No." Clearly, she's done this for a while, as she smiled and asked that I hear her out. So, I did. And she talked about the possibility of laboring for hours and hours only to have to do a C-Section anyway because the baby couldn't be born vaginally. She also spoke about shoulder displaysia, which is when the baby's head is able to make its way out but then the shoulders get stuck and the doctor has to use methods that could cause permanent damage to the baby's shoulders and arms to get her out. At that point I got really emotional and the tears started flowing. There's no way I would want to put my baby in any kind of danger. She also mentioned that the umbilical cord was wrapped around Sofia's neck, though she wasn't too worried about that. My mind was racing - I went in for what I thought would be a routine appointment and was being told I needed to consider rethinking my entire birth plan.

To be fair, I didn't really have a birth plan. I expected my water to break, experience contractions, dilate and push my baby out, that's about it. But it was enough of a "plan" in my mind.

The doctor told me to take some time and think about it (and by some time, she meant by the next morning since we were so close to Sofia's due date). I got in the car and called my mom and started bawling. Being the good mama she is, my mom calmed me down and talked me through my decision. It was a decision I knew I was going to make before I even left the doctor's office because I couldn't imagine placing Sofia in a position where she could be injured. Joa, his mom and I went to eat and I confirmed my decision with him. I called the doctor on the way home and she said she felt firmly that I was making the right decision. It should be noted that my doctor is a Christian woman, which I am so appreciative of. She, like me, believes that God is in control of all things, so it isn't like she was pushing me to do this because it would be easier on her. I am aware of the fact that doctors and hospitals make more money on C-Sections and that C-Sections are on the rise in the US and how there are plenty of instances when a C-Section birth could very well have been a vaginal birth, but I prayed and my decision was guided by God's peace. So, in a matter of a few hours, the course of Sofia's birth took a detour. I also know that those vibrations in my tummy were all God speaking to me. We never did find out what they were, but they had a huge impact on Sofia's entry into this world.

Up next: Sofia's birthday!

My Cup Runneth Over

What an amazing six weeks. Arguably the most exhausting, emotional, exhilarating six weeks of my life. All of those cliches about motherhood turned out to be true. I love my daughter more than I ever thought. My heart beats a little faster when I look at her. I can't help but smile when I see her lying in her crib, even at a very early 4 a.m. It's a true testament to God's grace and blessings.

For 40 weeks, I wondered what she would look like, and now, every day I get to look into her sweet, sparkling eyes and perfectly shaped mouth that she got from her papi. Sofi has such a sweet demeanor and is already drinking in every ounce of the world around her. I simultaneously want to slow down time and fast forward to see her crawl and walk and hear her first word and laugh. I know though, that I need to be present in every single moment that I have this sweet girl with me. I need to be intentional about my parenting and ask God to saturate my heart and mind so that Sofía can see God's love through me.

1 Timothy 1:5
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

My List of The Worst Things About Pregnancy

Advance warning: this blog post is probably TMI, since most of the stuff women go through in pregnancy is inherently TMI. I've found myself saying things out loud in front of moms I don't know all that well that I never thought would come out of my mouth. But when your lady parts feel like they are going to fall off, who else can you share it with, but those who have experienced the same thing?

1. Anytime I sit down, my belly touches my upper thighs, sometimes prompting me to reach down and lift if up so that I don't feel like this guy:

I also feel like that guy when I put on a t-shirt that used to hang down to my knees but now fits me like a midriff top. The 1990's called and they want their fashion back - without the belly.

2. Around seven months into the pregnancy, I noticed (and so did Joa) that an audible groan would slip through my lips every morning when I got out of bed. Then it started happening pretty much anytime I moved at all. The cause? I feel like my pelvis/pubic area could break in half at any time. Getting into bed and switching positions in the middle of the night is the worst. It's like a 12-point turn for me to switch from my left shoulder to my right shoulder at night. And in the mornings, after I've been somewhat immobile for eight+ hours, fugghedaboutit. I don't even try to stifle the groans anymore - I let it all out as I swing my legs over the bed and hope I don't hear a loud crack coming from my nether regions.

3. There's just no way of getting around this next one - so I'm just going to say it. While others have problems with the inability to go number two during pregnancy, I have the opposite problem: I go at least four times a day. There's no stopping it. Joa will often say, "Didn't you just poop?" My response: "The baby told me to do it." The worst is when it happens at work. While my nausea hasn't been around since about week 19, it will rear its head anytime I use a public restroom. And if you recall, my nausea was a bunch of dry heaving. Not the best combo for unfortunate bathroom trips at work. TMI, I know, I know.

4. My belly button is now flush with my protruding belly. I can't imagine this bodes well for how it will look after the belly is gone. And that belly button ring I thought was oh so cool in college? Well, the scar was unsightly before I got pregnant, now it is a huge gray mark over my belly button, taunting my 19-year-old self for insisting that it's what I wanted for my 19th birthday.

5. My last worst thing about pregnancy is something that I know can't be avoided and is for the most part, for the benefit of the baby, but for someone who has struggled with weight their whole lives, packing on 25 lbs is not an easy pill to swallow. I expressed quite openly to all of my friends before getting pregnant that one of my biggest fears about being pregnant was that I was going to end up looking like a Mexican Oompa Loompa - as wide as I was tall. And while it hasn't been quite that extreme, I will say that I cringe when I look at the scale. And yes, I do torture myself by weighing myself every morning. I've done it for years, there is no stopping me. On the plus side, while I feared that I would gain 80+ pounds, I've maintained some semblance of self control (kind of, sort of) and didn't spiral. My doctor even said she was very happy with my weight gain - score!

I'll gladly experience these things plus more (OK, maybe not more), for my sweet girl! Just three weeks or so to go!